06-07-2026

Talya,

Two years ago, there was a time I expressed doubts about my place in our relationship. You then told me “You’re not a problem. You’re part of the solution”.
Two months ago, during our discussion on my sofa, you told me that it would be easier for you to deal with me if I were an abusive partner.

What a change.

In the past couple months, I often had the feeling that I could have your time and attention only whenever they were not directed to something else. I had the feeling that there was no boundary, no clear space for our relationship.
A couple weeks ago, we discussed how things would look like if we moved in together; you said that you wouldn’t change any bit of your life. That, for instance, you would sleep with your kids and I would have to sleep somewhere else.

I think, because we had talked about it, that what this describes — Naaman’s personality notwithstanding — is a problematic aspect of the relationship you had with him. And I now think that this is where our relationship was going, despite, I believe, the genuine desire for something else you had.

I wanted something else than my own marriage as well. I also come from an emotionally toxic place, both in upbringing and marriage, and I yet was committed to thinking outside of my own box, in order to make things right with you.

Since the beginning, there have been plenty of times when I felt scared or insecure. I have had doubts. A few times, I was even tempted to walk away because I thought I would not be able to overcome these issues.
But I did the job every single time. I sat with my shit and dealt with it the best I could because I knew it was not about you, it was about me. I wanted to be a better person and I wanted a proper relationship with you.

Until I read your breakup message, I never saw any of your problems and any of the elements from your troubled background as serious issues or threats to our couple. I saw them as I believe these things should be seen in a healthy relationship: as opportunities for dialogue, for being more ourselves, for connecting to each other and for growing together.
Especially, I am convinced the issues I mentioned earlier in this letter, and related to the space our relationship needed, could have been discussed and addressed. I also had my part in these.

I know, as I have seen and experienced it, that you have done your best and that you have given your whole heart into this. I have felt happy and seen with you. I have felt like I mattered. As I said, I have no doubt that you were looking for something happier and healthier than what you previously experienced.
Sadly, trying to change anything in our lives without questioning our beliefs, our mental habits, our judgments and our automatic behaviours does not work. It just amounts to gaslighting ourselves into pretending to be something we are not inside, and we end up repeating the same old life patterns.

Your life is messy where I’m more stable. I can get stuck in routines and overthinking, where you’re more spontaneous and joyful. I sometimes lack self-confidence and you have a radiant presence. I have persistence and regularity, where you’re more disorganised. I have a taste and aptitude for introspection and personal growth that you don’t have.

I was the change you needed. You were the change I needed.

It’s so sad that we missed the opportunity to build something for ourselves and to grow together.

Emmanuel